Fear

Fear. It’s a weird thing. Where does it come from? Why do we feel fear? And why do some people feel it more than others?

To some, fear can be paralysing. For some reason (which we often don’t know) we avoid something – a person or a situation. The next time that person or situation appears we avoid it again. Then we start avoiding places or scenarios we think might bring about that person or situation. And so the beat goes on…. It can feel embarrassing. It can feel debilitating. It can get us down.

Why do we feel fear in the first place? It’s a primeval need for survival. Everything we see, hear, smell, taste or touch our brain – our awesome brain – assesses it, decides whether it is good or bad, and gives us instruction. This is why, as adults, we can recall early experiences of sprouts. Or liver. As a child I would push sprouts around the plate. These days I like sprouts. But liver? I haven’t actually had it since I was a child nor do have the want to because I didn’t like it then so I won’t like it now. Right?

So what’s the difference here? I didn’t like either yet I now like sprouts. The answer is Christmas. Every Christmas those bastard sprouts would keep reappearing. Growing up I was encouraged to have one or two and, covered in a sufficiency of gravy, they were ok. Then, getting into adulthood I would simply clear my Christmas plate as combination of politeness and feeding my Christmas Eve hangover.

To my knowledge there isn’t a festival that has a tradition of serving liver. Back in the day I could simply tell my mum I didn’t like liver so she stopped bothering to serve it up. And hurrah for that.

Today, as my forty-something self, I pretty much have a fear of liver. Ok, it’s not quite a fear. But our brains do most of their formal training at around the age of seven. All that stuff we experience in those early years are hard-wired, so stuff is nicely rooted in subconscious. For example, we either like or fear big dogs thanks to experiences as a child. And in my sub-conscious is child Ian who recalls mum cooking liver. Decades later I can still visualise the cooking, recall the smell, feel the texture of chewing it and its taste. Simply writing about it now is truly horrible as the memories stream in. I could almost be sick in my mouth.

Yet round at friends or out at a do, if liver were served up, I’d most likely be polite and get on with it. It might even be ok. Quite nice, perhaps. Like those sprouts I was forced to persevere with.

The trouble comes when those deep-rooted, sub-conscious fears are something we either want to overcome or have to overcome.

According to a 2014 article in the Independent here are the top 13 fears in the UK. Liver isn’t on there so it’s clearly a rubbish survey but here goes….

1. Cynophobia (that’s dogs to you and me). 3 per cent of us very afraid

2. Hemophobia (blood). 3 per cent very afraid

3. Nyctophobia (the dark). 3 per cent very afraid

4. Coulrophobia (clowns). 4 per cent very afraid – Thanks, Stephen King

5. Agoraphobia (crowds or public spaces). 4 per cent very afraid

6. Pteromerhanophobia (flying). 7 per cent very afraid

7. Trypanophobia (needles). 8 per cent very afraid

8. Musophobia (mice). 9 per cent very afraid)

9. Claustrophobia (closed in a small space). 14 per cent very afraid

10. Arachnophobia (spiders). 18 per cent – I get my 16-year-old son to remove spiders for me

11. Gloosphobia (public speaking). 20 per cent very afraid

12. Ophidiaphobia (snakes). 21 per cent very afraid

13. Acrophobia (heights). 23 per cent very afraid

Three per cent don’t like dogs. Small percentage yet consider that there are roughly 50m adults in the UK and we’ve got 1,500,000 people fearing dogs. Probably why the phrase ‘oh he won’t bite you’ is probably the most ironic statement a dog owner can make to a flinching on-comer who has Shep bouncing around her.

Public speaking? 10,000,000 of UK adults are very afraid of it. That’s massive!

Good news is we don’t all have all the above. And we can avoid some of the 13 without it affecting our lives. Yet others, like wanting to fly the children or new partner to a sun-kissed beach in the Med or nailing the presentation to get the job, close the sale or get the promotion.

‘So, I’ve got this fear stuck in my sub-conscious and it’s hard-wired?’

Well, yes. And no.

The good news is that the wiring can be changed. It does require some work though. You could try just throwing yourself at the fear. But before you jump into the nearest snake pit there’s a couple of alternatives. And throwing yourself in doesn’t necessarily make you overcome your fear. You just face it. But the next time, and every time, that fear (and the sub-conscious reactions) will be lurking in the background.

Options? Here’s two. Depending on the level of your fear my advice is to do both…..

1. Get some skills in controlling your reactions. Get taught, or teach yourself, to remain calm.

Put yourself into a fear situation and your amygdala (your primeval brain) takes over. It over-rides your prefrontal cortex (the rational, good judgement bit). You become hyperalert. Your pupils dilate, the airways open and breathing accelerates. Heart rate and blood pressure rise. Blood flow and the stream of glucose to the skeletal muscles increases. You’re either ready to kick the sh*t out of something or get the f*** out of there. In a presentation situation punching your customer is unlikely to help. Neither is jumping out the window.

With some training you can learn to control those reactions. Be able to recognise the triggers and use your own resources to stay calm and rational.

2. Re-write the sub-conscious.

Your amygdala is kicking-in because your brain is recalling a scenario from your past where you had a bad experience. It could be that a significant person (parent/teacher/etc) once told you that [insert fear] is a horrible experience. Or you’ve played it over in your mind and ‘awfulised’ the scenario so that your sub-conscious now perceives it as a danger.

Like a computer, that piece of code is sitting in the BIOS firmware. It’s part of the underlying operating system. In this case you need someone who can get you to a state where your conscious is switched off and your sub-conscious is open. In brain wave terms that’s the theta state and, in here, the skilled individual can input new code to over-write the old or delete the corrupt code so the brain can’t access it.

The reason I have suggested to do both is the first, learning to control reactions, is no bad thing in general. It can be used in any scenario to calm the f*** down and get back to rational thought so you avoid telling FB (ergo the world) exactly what you think of something at that moment only to regret it a day later. Or eat some liver – totally irrational.

The second is about over-coming it entirely. It is no longer a feature of you and the fear doesn’t exist.

Irrational fears are called that because the fear is controlled by the amygdala. It’s not rational. It was created to keep you alive when there were perceived threats. Primeval you knew what to do if a sabre-toothed tiger turned up. And that bit of brain is still there. This is a good thing because we still need those reactions for avoiding stuff like liver.

If you want or need to overcome a fear – be it one of the thirteen or not – then get in touch. As a qualified NLP Practitioner, NLP Life Coach and NLP Hypnotherapist I can understand what the deal is and help you get to the goal you want to achieve.

Or find someone similarly qualified. There’s a few of us out there (all wondering when the 10 million non-flyers will get in touch).

WithOutLimit is a Career and Life Coaching Service. Created in Royal Berkshire, UK. Digitally delivered to the world.

PS. I am delighted that, with the rise of veganism, liver is less on-trend and can remain off the menu.